I find myself considering the effect that my fibromyalgia
will have on my children almost on a daily basis. Will seeing me in the midst
of a “flare-up” make them worry too much? Will they start to focus on my health
and whether or not I will be okay, more than all of the things that typical
kids their age tend to worry about? Are they afraid I might die soon? The list
goes on and on to the point that I find myself overwhelmed by the prospect of
having to address all of these possible fears with each one of my children.
So today I decided to gather myself, silence the noise in my
head, take a deep breath and begin the task of listing all the benefits my
fibromyalgia has had on the relationships that I share with my children. For
although this illness has caused my life to shift, turn, jump, skip and change
direction on numerous occasions, I know in my heart that I can find just a few
things, no matter how small, that have changed for the better.
When I take a serious look at the relationships that I have
with each one of my children I feel blessed that they are filled with love,
respect, and joy. While I had established a strong foundation with them as
young children, prior to the onset of my struggles with Fibro, I have to admit
that much of our bond has been increased because of my struggle. Not knowing
what each day will hold as far as physical energy and emotional strength is
concerned, I find myself completely aware of the need to make each good day that
I have an opportunity to connect with and enjoy time with my children. This has
translated itself into many nights of snuggling in the bed and reading stories
with my 7 year old, showering my 1 year old with extra hugs and kisses, having
in home mani-pedi/make-up sessions with my pre-teen girls, talking with my 13
year old son about girls (imagine that…lol), and having picnics in the park
with the entire family on nice days. In essence, I have learned to enhance the
quality of the time that I spend with my children on the days that I have the
extra strength. I always remember hearing the “experts” say that when raising
children it is the quality of time
that is important, not the quantity. This
couldn’t be more true, and I remind myself of this each time I find myself
questioning whether or not I am present enough for my children. If I am with my
children daily, but have no meaningful interaction with them, then I have
merely occupied physical space in their presence. But if I am actively engaged
with them in a way that demonstrates my care, concern, interest and genuine
desire to be with them, if even only for a few hours, I will have made an
impression and connection with them that will last.
Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, MD., author of From Fatigued to Fantastic,
and renowned expert on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, offered his
opinion on the effects of fibromyalgia on parenting in an article written for Psychology Today. In the article, he suggests
that parents with fibromyalgia actually tend to end up having even closer and
more loving relationships with their children. He then goes on to point out the
very crucial aspect of parenting that we tend to forget……..that we cannot care
for others, if we do not first care for ourselves! Essentially, taking care of
yourself is not selfish or robbing your children of the time you think they
should have. In fact, taking care of yourself can actually increases the
quality of time that you are able to spend with them because you have ensured
that you are in better health and in better spirits. Taking care of you=Taking
care of your children!!!
I hope that this post has inspired someone to approach
taking care of themselves first, as a primary step to successful parenting, and
that it has helped to calm some of the fears. I hope to take a closer look at
what it actually means to take care of one’s self and what strategies have
worked best for me in some upcoming posts. For additional information on Dr.
Teitalbaum, his research, approaches to treatment and breakthroughs in the
management of fibromyalgia please visit his website at endfatigue.com
God Bless Your Journey
2Timothy1:7
My biggest problem is I don't put myself first which cause me to stress out, on top of everything else. I have teenagers that are set in their selfish ways and don't want to realize I'm sick no matter how I explain to them I'm sick. I just want to stay in bed .Then I have my 23 year old screaming get out the bed go take a walk it's like your giving up.How can I explain that it's more then the fybro. Exercise, go for a walk, get out the house and visit people yeah right let them feel the pain I feel. It's easy said than done.
ReplyDeleteI feel your frustration and can identify with wanting to just lay down and sleep rather than fight against the pain. But, getting up and walking, even if just around the house for five to ten minutes is necessary to getting better. The more we lay down, the worse our bodies feel. My rheumatologist said to me one day during a visit that "no one ever dies from pain. It may feel like it, but you won't." At the time I thought it was the most insensitive thing I had ever heard. But after a few days I found out that it was the most liberating. No! No matter how terrible the pain, it WILL NOT kill me. It will pass!!!! So now I push a little more so that I can get back into motion. Because what can kill me is hypertension, obesity, high cholesterol, and all the other disease that manifest when I stop exercising, gain weight, lay in bed and give up. So free yourself from the mental captivity that the pain has you in. It's hard, but you can do it.
ReplyDeleteAs for your children. I truly believe that having a parent with a chronic illness is very hard to deal with and children deal with it in their own ways. Some take the illness head on and try to obtain some sort of control. They learn all they can about the condition, they learn all of your meds, and they become very involved in your care. Other children may act the complete opposite. They act as if it doesn't exists so that they don't have to deal with the emotions of it all. Those in the middle tend to ride the roller coaster of emotions fairly well, but try to be as "normal" as they can so they immerse themselves in their friends, and the activities of their age without much thought to how it effects you. No matter how your children are responding currently, you can rest assured that their responses are merely coping mechanisms and they have by no means forgotten that you are sick. Opening communication with them about what your illness means as far as what you are capable of and what you would like for them to be responsible for needs to be facilitated. As teenagers they can be responsible for many things if you involve them but ensure not to overwhelm them. I plan to talk about some specific strategies in an upcoming post. Most important is to maintain communication with your children and to try your hardest not to take the frustrations that you have about your condition and your pain out on them.
I hope this has been helpful. Please continue to share with us and I wish you all the best. Blessings!!