Counting on Others.....Counting Your Blessings!

The past few weeks have been more than a challenge. I have had more downs than ups, more flare-ups than I would like to count, and an overwhelming desire to just curl up and sleep until 2015. But the electric bill still needed to be paid, costumes needed to be made, and daily life continued to usher me painfully through each day. Then came THE day. When I just could not get up. The pain, intense and all encompassing, held me captive to my bed. I could not move a single limb, could not gather a coherent thought let alone speak intelligibly. AND NOTHING MADE IT BETTER! There was nothing in my cocktail of prescription medications that could address the pain, and so I just lay.

Enter stage left……My Hero.

My fiance swoops in, takes charge of the children, the chores, the bills and the care of my body and soul. While I rest he gets the children dressed and off to school, plays peek-a-boo with our 13 month old daughter and cooks dinner in between doing the laundry and cleaning the bedrooms. Then it’s time for the afternoon/evening routine and he’s off picking the oldest children up from school, helping with their homework, getting dinner and baths completed then laying them down for bed. And then there’s me. He’s kissing me gently on the head and telling me it will get better, he’s rubbing my back and my legs in the evening when he finally has a “free” moment. I hear him peeking in on me through the closed bedroom door the moments when he thinks I’m waking, and he stands ready to fulfill my every wish. 

Who wouldn’t love to have this treatment? To have their significant other be able to grab the reigns and keep family life as normal as possible almost with out skipping a beat. Like many others who live with fibromyalgia and chronic pain, I actually had to learn to appreciate such a wonderful blessing. You see, being able to accept the help requires admitting that the help is actually needed. I repeat….accepting the help means admitting that the help is actually needed. But I, like many other women, parents, and individuals with fibro, pride myself on the ability to multi-task, keep my home running smoothly, and “do it all”. You know….be superwoman! So accepting the wonderful care that my fiance was and is so happily willing to give has forced me to re-evaluate what I can and cannot do. Something I just did NOT want to do. I had to come to terms with how fibromyaglia has reshaped my life, my capabilities, and the way I go about getting things accomplished. But more importantly, what fibromyalgia has allowed me to do is learn to open myself to others, and to count on others. As humans we are not meant to be alone, to face trials alone, to experience success and or failure alone. We are meant to be in unity with one another. I have come to understand this principle now more than ever, and in a most unexpected way, fibromyalgia has lead me in this direction. So now instead of critiquing my fiance for not folding the laundry the way I would, or cooking the meal I had originally listed on the weekly menu for that day (all a manifestation of my deep desire to maintain a level of control over a situation in which I have none), I thank him for his tenderness, I hug him in appreciation of his strength, and I uplift him in gratitude of his commitment to our family.

Instead of looking at all that we have lost on account of living with fibromyalgia, we must look to all that we have gained. If you are lucky enough to have a partner who gives their all, or at least tries their best to support you when you can no longer support yourself, allow yourself to receive that love and learn to count it as a blessing! I know I have.

Take care of yourself and others!

May God Bless Your Journey! 

KIDDIE CORNER

As I attempt to control many aspects of my life and how others perceive me, I have placed a great deal of effort into trying to hide, or mask the pain that I am in from my children. I tell myself that I don't want to emotionally burden them with having to worry about me or even worse, having to hide their fears and concerns from me so that they don't "upset me" or appear weak. So I try not to complain when I'm in pain, I tend to overcompensate when I am feeling better, and I minimize the effect that fibromyalgia has truly had on my life. But as my children get older, understand more, and ask more questions, I am finding that I am not hiding as much as I think I am. In fact, I have come to the realization that my attempts to hide have been futile, as they know me better than I ever knew. I came to this understanding after I decided to put aside my own fears. I had to stop being fearful of robbing them of their childhood and being afraid that they may look at me differently. I had to be upfront and honest. I had to communicate with them directly, and not just talk to them about my condition and how if effects me, but rather LISTEN to them talk about my condition and how it effects them! So that is just what I did.

Doing so was a truly enlightening experience. As parents we believe that what we do is always in the best interests of our children, that they will understand our intent and motivation, and that they will be all the better because of our decisions. But sometimes, our children receive our actions, understand our intentions, and subsequently behave in a totally unexpected manner. This is because, as humans, we all have feelings and emotions that help translate what is said to us, thus causing numerous possible reactions to occur from one simple statement. Children are no different. So, I bravely engaged my children individually in a discussion about my condition and how it has affected their lives. What I learned touched me deeply and I decided to share one of those conversations so that it may encourage someone else to speak openly with their children.

The following questions and answers are from a conversation I had with my 11 year old daughter.

Q.What do you know about Fibromyalgia?
A. I know that it is an illness that you will live with forever and that it can cause other illnesses also.

Q. What do you think has changed about me since I have become sick with Fibromyalgia?
A. You're more tense and stressed about every little thing which sometimes causes more tension between the whole family. When you are upset that you cant get things done how you would like it you push yourself too hard. You are much more critical of yourself and put yourself down about being sick ask if it's your fault when it's not.

Q. How do you feel when I'm sick and can't get out of the bed for a few days?
A. I feel worried and sad. I sometimes feel useless because whatever I say or do won't make anything better. I worry because I don't know if you're going to get better or worse. I'm sad because I feel like you should't have to go through this. I hate it when you're in bed. I want you to be able to enjoy life, instead of spending your days in bed.

Q. How often do you think about me having Fibromyalgia and what are your fears (if any) about my condition?
A. I think about you and your health everyday. I know you say that you can't die from this but I feel scared that you will. I'm scared that you'll go to the hospital one day and then will stay there night after night and then eventually never come home.

Q. Is there anything positive that you think has come from my having this condition?
A. I think that because you feel bad about the bad days you have you try really hard to make up for them by spending extra time with us and doing fun things with us. It's great because I really love spending time with you!


If there ever were a time to have an entire box of klenex on hand this would have been the time!!!But instead of coming from our conversation upset that what I thought I was shielding them from I was not, a found myself delighted by the fact that I had a gained significant insight into what she was really thinking which has laid the foundation for how to go about interacting with her and communicating with her in future about my struggles.

Despite the ups and downs I face daily as I fight against this menace to my health, I find myself always searching for a way to grow better and stronger. I claim happiness in spite of my circumstances, and continue to focus on the positives to keep me encouraged. It is not easy, by any means. But being positive can truly make a difference!

I hope that this has helped someone, even if only in some small way. I would love to hear how other parents have addressed communicating with their children, as I still have a lot of room for improvement.

So until next time!

May God Bless Your Journey

Giving Quality Time to My Children

I find myself considering the effect that my fibromyalgia will have on my children almost on a daily basis. Will seeing me in the midst of a “flare-up” make them worry too much? Will they start to focus on my health and whether or not I will be okay, more than all of the things that typical kids their age tend to worry about? Are they afraid I might die soon? The list goes on and on to the point that I find myself overwhelmed by the prospect of having to address all of these possible fears with each one of my children.

So today I decided to gather myself, silence the noise in my head, take a deep breath and begin the task of listing all the benefits my fibromyalgia has had on the relationships that I share with my children. For although this illness has caused my life to shift, turn, jump, skip and change direction on numerous occasions, I know in my heart that I can find just a few things, no matter how small, that have changed for the better.

When I take a serious look at the relationships that I have with each one of my children I feel blessed that they are filled with love, respect, and joy. While I had established a strong foundation with them as young children, prior to the onset of my struggles with Fibro, I have to admit that much of our bond has been increased because of my struggle. Not knowing what each day will hold as far as physical energy and emotional strength is concerned, I find myself completely aware of the need to make each good day that I have an opportunity to connect with and enjoy time with my children. This has translated itself into many nights of snuggling in the bed and reading stories with my 7 year old, showering my 1 year old with extra hugs and kisses, having in home mani-pedi/make-up sessions with my pre-teen girls, talking with my 13 year old son about girls (imagine that…lol), and having picnics in the park with the entire family on nice days. In essence, I have learned to enhance the quality of the time that I spend with my children on the days that I have the extra strength. I always remember hearing the “experts” say that when raising children it is the quality of time that is important, not the quantity. This couldn’t be more true, and I remind myself of this each time I find myself questioning whether or not I am present enough for my children. If I am with my children daily, but have no meaningful interaction with them, then I have merely occupied physical space in their presence. But if I am actively engaged with them in a way that demonstrates my care, concern, interest and genuine desire to be with them, if even only for a few hours, I will have made an impression and connection with them that will last.

Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, MD., author of From Fatigued to Fantastic, and renowned expert on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, offered his opinion on the effects of fibromyalgia on parenting in an article written for Psychology Today. In the article, he suggests that parents with fibromyalgia actually tend to end up having even closer and more loving relationships with their children. He then goes on to point out the very crucial aspect of parenting that we tend to forget……..that we cannot care for others, if we do not first care for ourselves! Essentially, taking care of yourself is not selfish or robbing your children of the time you think they should have. In fact, taking care of yourself can actually increases the quality of time that you are able to spend with them because you have ensured that you are in better health and in better spirits. Taking care of you=Taking care of your children!!!

I hope that this post has inspired someone to approach taking care of themselves first, as a primary step to successful parenting, and that it has helped to calm some of the fears. I hope to take a closer look at what it actually means to take care of one’s self and what strategies have worked best for me in some upcoming posts. For additional information on Dr. Teitalbaum, his research, approaches to treatment and breakthroughs in the management of fibromyalgia please visit his website at endfatigue.com

God Bless Your Journey

2Timothy1:7

 http://endfatigue.com/

We can do it!!!

Just like mothers who do not live with a chronic illness, we mothers who struggle daily with the aches and pains associated with Fibromyalgia still aspire to be the greatest mothers we can be. We fight back our pain in order to give our children the "mother" we think they deserve; the mother that can cook, clean, entertain, heal all boo-boo’s, answer all questions, and do it all with a smile. For ALL women this definition is unrealistic, but it's exceedingly more difficult for us women with Fibromyalgia when we set this standard and don't seem to even come close. With this blog I hope to inspire mothers with Fibromyalgia to embrace a new standard for exceptional parenting. Fibromyalgia does not have to stop us from being the mother's we were always meant to be; it's just making us go about the task differently. Please join me in the journey!!!